Please repost this any and everywhere you can.



With love,



- Steven

I am only responding to say that I have no response. So roll your eyes and keep your secrets... I'll make mine as well.

I will make every single post after this "friends only". It's not fair or healthy for me to keep putting things online that I know only you will read. Same goes for you. Other than me, the only people reading what you have to say are on your list... and if they aren't, it isn't hard to add them.

It's the last favor I'd ask of you. You say you'll be there when it counts... well it counts right now. You can do me this favor or not... your decision will speak itself.

- fin.

Things are looking up...

I was happier last night than I had been in months and months. So, thank you for that. Here's to many more.

Cheers!

- Steven

P.S. I'm happy. Look, I bounced back.

I'm starting to come around. Eating is becoming a bit more regular. Sleep is not quite there, yet. I'm forgiving some things and forgetting others. I'm crying more times than I care to. I wish I could stop checking your journal and I wish you'd block your entries. I wish I felt like any of this mattered to you as much as it mattered to me. If I could just feel like you cared about any of this even half as much as I did / do, I might be able to sleep a bit easier. I wish I could find my ground.

I'll get there, though... but, given the opportunity to start over, I wouldn't have done a single thing differently. I'm a bit much for most, but I'm good enough for someone... somewhere.


You won't read this... I suppose you're stronger than me.

I just wasn't strong enough.

My anxiety level has been very close to crippling as of late, which has been worsened by my dwindling supply of prescription valium.

Now, for those of you who deal with large serious amounts of anxiety and depression, I found something that really relieves it, and its not weed or alcohol. Non-drowsy Dramamine basically saved me from myself this weekend.

It works just as effectively as the valium does, without the absent-mindedness that usually accompanies taking it.

So, to those of you looking for an over-the-counter solution to your anxiety, give it a try. It really curbs my obsessiveness and my overall stress level.

And if I show you my dark side
Will you still hold me tonight?
And if I open my heart to you
And show you my weak side
What would you do?

do you remember me? how we used to be?
do you think we should be closer?

the world's worst UTI.

I just got done ripping up a couple bibles to create the backdrop for the Sohns' photo shoot. If I wasn't going to hell before, I'm damn sure going to now.

I want you and everyone in the world to know that I miss every single thing.

... and, as if things couldn't be worse, my iPod decided to delete everything on it. Please, point me in the direction of the nearest ledge or psychiatrist... whichever you think might be closer.

I am a monster clothed in crimson sleeves and perforated lines where my wrists should be.

Crazy.
Over the rainbow, I am crazy.
Bars in the window.
There must have been a door there in the wall.
For when I came in...

It would mean the world to me...

I wish that I could wish me away... when I wake up, I want that wish to come true.

I am a wreck... and I always will be.

I am nothing... and I always have been.

At the rate I'm going, I'm just not gonna make it...

Goodbye, cruel world,
Im leaving you today.
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.

Goodbye all you people,
Theres nothing you can say,
To make me change my mind.
Goodbye.

I love you. And not, not in a friendly way, although I think we're great friends. And not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although I'm sure that's what you'll call it. I love you. Very, very simple, very truly. You are the epitome of everything I have ever looked for in another human being. And I know that you think of me as just a friend, and crossing that line is the furthest thing from an option you would ever consider. But I had to say it. I just, I can't take this anymore. I can't stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I can't, I can't look into your eyes without feeling that, that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. I can't talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are. And I know this will probably queer our friendship - no pun intended - but I had to say it, because I've never felt this way before, and I don't care. I like who I am because of it. And if bringing this to light means we can't hang out anymore, then that hurts me. But God, I just, I couldn't allow another day to go by without just getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot-down. And, you know, I'll accept that. But I know... I know that some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there is a moment of hesitation, then that means you feel something too. All I ask, please, is that you just, you just not dismiss that - and try to dwell in it for just ten seconds. Alyssa, there isn't another soul on this fucking planet who has ever made me half the person I am when I'm with you, and I would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau. Because it is there between you and me. You can't deny that. Even if, you know, even if we never talk again after tonight, please know that I'm forever changed because of who you are and what you've meant to me, which - while I do appreciate it - I'd never need a painting of birds bought at a diner to remind me of.

I went and saw Cloak/Dagger and Hour of the Wolf in Corpus Christi at The Compound. Hour of the Wolf used to be a band called Life In Pictures that I booked way back in the day. Pretty amazing stuff. But the best part of the evening was when the guys from Strike Anywhere showed up, ran circle pits and hung out with all of us...

( Pictures under the cut!!! )